Part 4: Page 4

Butz is feeling down because Galuf is gone.

So are the others, apparently.

Well, the game decided to kill off all of their loved ones, so why the hell not.


Yeah, they know stuff about machines, so they should probably know stuff about meteors that transport us to another dimension!

I check at my airship base, and they're nowhere to be found. So I drop by the Tycoon meteor and what's this?

And how did it land here? This isn't a forest. Sure, there's a little foliage, but that hardly makes it a forest.

Anyway, I go inside and huh?

Yeah, okay. Cid pushes the adamantium across the warpy thing and GAH


I love it when a plan comes together

So we head to the Walz meteor and they get to work.

Now everything's cool, right?

OF COURSE THE FUCK NOT

Jesus fucking Christ I hate these guys. You'd figure if an enemy is dumb enough to use Exploder on you, they shouldn't be difficult, right? Except that if you kill these guys, they cast some crazy version of Life 2 that hits all of them. ARGH. There are numerous strategies: kill them all at the same time, Control them and make them explode on themselves, or just Mute them all. The first one didn't work because some of them would explode and then they could be revived by their friends, and Control's success rate was way too low, so I made Butz cast Mute Sword, hit them all, and then have everyone attack. But after I muted them, they beat the shit out of everybody by exploding, so mainly it was just Butz using Phoenix Downs on everyone, and I only really honestly killed two of them. Even though I remember this battle, it still caught me off guard. But they all died and then everything was good.

So I head for Karnak, but before heading in...

I have Faris use Levitation (Mix an Antidote and a Maiden's Kiss) to give everyone Float status.

Why? Because I'm fighting this guy.

Oh no, not Titan. I'm so scared. Augh. Seriously, after that last fight, this guy would have to throw me into the sun to be even the least bit intimidating. He mainly just physically attacked (though he used Earth Shaker on me as a final attack, but it didn't hit me because I wasn't standing on any earth .) while I laid into him.

With THIS

Did you think I was kidding about Faris becoming a god? Well, I wasn't. And as long as I have enough Maiden's Kisses and Turtle Shells, she'll be a strong as a titan. Actually, scratch that, she's certainly stronger than this Titan. Who's just lame.


But I'm sure he'll be stronger when I'm summoning him.


Yes, let's.

I head to the Lonka meteor, and everything's cool, right?

Well, it could be. Maybe they just decided to kick back and take in the atmosphere.

Except OF COURSE THEY FUCKING DIDN'T

So an evil force attacks me!!!!! Oh no!!!!!!


Seriously, this guy isn't even worth talking about. He's weaker than Titan. Okay, he has more hit points than him, so I guess he's a bit stronger, but they're still both weak as fuck and not worth talking about. But Lenna sure kicks ass when she gets a Sword Dance off.

There, that's all four.

Okay, I'll do that.

But first I have some business to take care of.

Specifically, looting the basement of Walz Castle, where there's some nice stuff. There's a reason I didn't get to this before.


And it's this dickweed. He's got a lot of attack power, a really high defense, and an annoying spell that makes everybody Berserk. However, he does have one weakness...




Actually, most of the stuff in the basement is shit. I get 2000 GP and a Time Magic spell that is literally worthless. But there is this...

Evasion is always awesome.


So now I'm poised to hop into a portal to another world. I know there's some stuff I want to do first (particularly max out on Turtle Shells and get a nice amount of Dark Matter, so I hope nobody minds leveling up a little), but if there's anything anyone else can think of, please say so.


The party is poised to enter the portal. They all announce their goodbyes to parties that unfortunately could not be present, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Wait I just remembered I didn't get the Black Magic spell Toad!!

Oh well I have Frog Sooooooooooooong!!!! :ultramon:


Well, here we are! A whole new world! A new fantastic point of view! Except we're stuck on a puny ass island where the only enemy always drops a Tent.

Okay, use a Tent, I get it.

Jeez, if you wanted me to use a Tent so bad, you could've just asked. But no, you had to get all passive-aggressive on me.

So they get to talking.

Jesus, what the fuck, I don't care, why couldn't I just get a screenshot of them at the campfire without all this bullshit talking where all of the speech boxes are connected in such a way that I can't omit one of them so I have to put up all four Jesus Christ it isn't even that interesting.

Then suddenly the campfire goes out and there's a fucking monster!

It runs off with Lenna and Faris! What the fuck is this shit? You gotta pay first! Cash up front, motherfucker!

So then his bitch-ass friend tries to gank me.

Motherfucker tryin' to gank a brother makin' an honest buck! Fuck dat! I get out my baby powder and PIMP SLAP that mark-ass hater.

And he leaves behind... a chest?

Oh, come on. You don't think I'm that stupid, do you? If Ackbar were here he'd be screaming like a motherfucker. Fuck this, I'm outta here.

Except that I can't leave the area. There you go getting all passive-aggressive on me again. Fine, I'll open the stupid chest.

Shocked gasp. A gas trap. Damn. While heavily coughing, those cunning bastards. I, coughs. Everything is, coughs. Going black. Fall to floor.

Act II, scene 2: A jail cell.

Make that a dungeon cell. The dungeon being in this annoying bastard's castle.


We're going to be used for some kind of mirror? Huh? Wait, I know what he's gonna do. See, we're all gonna have, like, a fashion show, and the mirror is gonna be used so we can see how we look, and uh

Wait, what? Oh, it's just a long distance communication device. Lame. My idea was better.

Wait, is he using us as hostages? Oh my God, this is awesome! Does anybody have a camera?


Exdeath sets an exceedingly competent guard to make sure nobody tries to break us out of our cell, and then leaves to do... I don't know, something.

So Galuf retreats with his army to discuss a pl

Yeah, okay, that works too.


Galuf tells the Hiryuu to go back to the castle because he's a dumbass! Come on, dumbass! We could've used that thing to fly back, but no, now we have to go back on foot! Dumbass!

Whatever. He sneaks through the castle with his mad skills with little trouble, until he encounters Gilgamesh!

This fellow is exceedingly difficult. So difficult, in fact, that I kill him with four fight commands. Fuckin' scary.

Of course, Gilgamesh is too honorable to slay me right then and there.

Whew! Good thing he was feeling merciful! No doubt he could've slain me with the snap of his fingers. I can think of no better way of expressing my gratitude than this:



Galuf busts out the party, and they all join up and escape with little incident.


So we get ready to go back to holy crap that's a long bridge. I mean, Jesus. Well, we get ready to head across. But not just yet!

And we have arrived at the coolest place ever: The Big Bridge.

This place rocks. Not because anything that happens here is particularly awesome, but just because of the music. And the music kicks ass. I mean it kicks fucking ass. Seriously, you have to hear it. Monsters attack me on my way across, but I kick their asses in a rock-fueled bloodfrenzy.

Until I get to the halfway point.

Wow. That's... almost admirable. But mostly it's just pathetic. Gilgamesh quickly proves himself to be a wacky hopelessly incompetent recurring enemy, kind of like Ultros, except not like Ultros because he did it first. As in, Ultros took lessons from this guy. Because he's awesome. Awesome because he's such a hopeless idiot.

I start to kick his ass, when he delivers an in-battle monologue!

Now, while he was saying all of this, he was supposed to be casting Armor, Shell, and Wall on himself, then jumping on me. But because I had Butz cast Mute Sword before he started whomping on his ass, he couldn't cast any of that stuff, and he only got to jump. Somehow Muting him didn't stop him from opening up his giant cruel and malevolent yapper.


So I beat him up and he runs away. I was thinking about giving him a PDA the next time we meet, but he probably won't be able to appreciate the joke since he'll have forgotten all about this battle while he was eating paste.

So finally I get to the end of this long-ass bridge!

Wait, barrier? What barrier?


Oh shit, there's a barrier. And it extends far beyond those four poles that probably have some role in generating the barrier and thus one could logically assume would be the boundary of said barrier. So far in fact that it reaches the other side of this fucking huge bridge and launches us all off to another continent. Y'know, none of this would've happened if Galuf hadn't ditched the fucking dragon! Retard!


Oh whatever, they aren't that tough. I have Aqua Rake, dude.


Hey, don't try to pin the blame on Butz. You're the retard who ditched the dragon. I mean, why would you do that?! Didn't you come in through a balcony? Yeah, and when we had to leave, we had to do it through the front door. I mean, we just waltzed out the Fortress of Doom's front fucking door! Don't you think that's a little conspicuous?


I walk a little and encounter the town of Rugar. I don't know, man, it sounds like there are orcs here.

Well, okay, there's no orcs, but there is an inn.

And since they never get any customers, they give us a free room. A brilliant financial strategy, I must say.

So everyone has a good night's sleep and of course they don't.

Man, every time you get a free room, some bullshit story event has to happen.


Galuf is chillin' in the tavern sippin' wine killin' time


Butz decides to join him, if only for the alcohol.


Butz gets all stupid about the whole portal-hopping thing again, but Galuf proves a surprisingly good point. Though he tries to save face by purposely omitting the whole dragon-ditching fiasco.


Yeah we just thought hey a portal why not and next thing you know man

Galuf sees through his act and gets all touchy-feely.

Don't be scurred! Show another part of your life! The more drinks in your system, the harder the fight!

After the whole scene, I decide to check out the town. They don't have much, but they do have a pub, where they have a stage, so I force Lenna to dance for my pleasure!

And this guy gives me money for it. Sure, it's chump change, but one could theoretically earn mad bank here while expending little effort. Not that I'm going to, of course. I'm not that desperate for money.

But this pub seems awfully bare. I can't help but feel it's missing something. Wait a minute...

What's this? A secret passage? Hmmm...

And it leads to...

A piano!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Butz kicks ass at the piano. He's nearly mastered it by now. A few more lessons and he'll be busting out more concertos than the Bible's got psalms.

And this place's item shop also sells

HiPotions!!!!!!! I get kind of overeager and buy 99 of them, so I end up not having enough money to stock up on new equipment I figure I'll just fight a few random encounters. Or I could force Lenna to make it for me